Live

Live

Last week, I completed my second week of #75hard challenge created by Andy Frisella.  As I was in the throes of a cycle all week and took it easy on a couple of my evening workouts to heal my ankle, I wouldn’t have been surprised to see a slight gain. I actually stayed the same and felt like I had more energy. I even realized I wanted to push myself a bit harder on my workouts. During my second walk this evening, I cut it short, marched in the house and threw on one of my favorite Caribbean dance workouts for the remainder of my time.

As I mentioned last week, I am starting to see my mindset shift in other ways, too. I promised myself I would get my E-book professionally printed and guess what….

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I did it! I also now have a couple of leads on print on demand distributors and even though it will be an investment, what’s wrong with betting on myself?

Absolutely nothing.

I spent so much time afraid of risk even when I didn’t admit it to myself. This challenge is forcing me to confront my excuses. It is teaching me I am more resourceful and hard-working than I gave myself credit for.

This past Saturday, I went to work, did both workouts, drank my gallon of water and then some, read and enjoyed a comedy show. I know, without a doubt I would have made every excuse not to experience everything the day had to offer just a month ago. I was always too tired.

Too tired for what?

Too tired to live?

Acceptance

Acceptance

Today, I had a conversation about energy, spirit, connection and quantum physics which started to flow into another conversation about near death experiences.

It had me thinking about the one thing I hear almost all people say after having one: They are no longer afraid to die.

I have no idea what that feels like or if I should even aspire to live that way. Yes, living without being consumed by fear is aspirational for me but no fear of dying?

As a Christian, we are taught not to be afraid of death. There will be life, glorious life waiting for us on the other side. My faith says that’s true but my humanity says I haven’t lived this side of life fully yet. When I go, I want to be nearly exhausted by the memories, the sheer force of how much I have to remember. I surely am not there yet.

I asked my husband, who lost his father many years ago, was there any comfort in the fact that he lived well into his 80’s?

He answered: “It never feels like there’s enough time.”

I had to take a moment to let it sit. If it will never feel like enough, then I better get on with the business of acceptance.

Accepting it may never feel like enough words, silences, sun, giggles, sex, food, hugs, tears, seasons, scars and breath.

Enough love.

But that’s ok because while I’m getting on with the business of acceptance, I’m getting on with the business of living.

 

 

Freedom

Freedom

We have been back from San Diego for four days now.  While I was talking to a friend about the trip yesterday, I found myself romanticizing San Diego. Not that there isn’t anything to romanticize-gorgeous beaches, delectable food, picturesque views and a vibrant arts scene. Plenty of material, right?

However, I believe I was crushing on the freedom of living there if I wanted to. When we were walking hand in hand in Little Italy, hubby peered up at an apartment and said “I could live right there.” As we walked through the harbor afterwards, I started to feel the same way.

As a writer, I know my imagination has a life of its own. It will pack up a suitcase, book a flight and go on its merry way. Even as I am writing this, I know it’s the freedom I crave–freedom to travel as we please, live where we want when we want with the stability we need. Since I am well aware we are not there yet, those romantic notions are put on hold-not forever or even indefinitely but until all of our goals are met.

I know this will take being more with steadfast with my efforts with my writing and wellness goals. When I see the rest of my life, I not only envision this level of freedom but a healthy person exercising it.

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I think San Diego gave me the gift of this vision and an extra incentive to see it fully realized.