It’s Day 76. 75hard is over which means I accomplished the following:
150 workouts (mostly walks but many strength training workouts)
Drank 75 gallons of water
Stuck to my diet (calorie counting for me) using the Lose It app.
Lost over 20 pounds.
Read over 750 pages of personal development books.
No alcohol (I already didn’t drink)
I recapped more of the emotional side yesterday and I have said it before but it bears repeating:
I am less afraid.
The thing I thought I would be more fearful of was what to do next but it’s clear I had nothing to fear. Today, I went to a small group workout, took a walk and along with Hubby and a friend, climbed for the first time at an indoor gym.
Even though the mental transformation far outweighs the physical, here are a couple of pictures to showcase that aspect:
I feel more confident about the next steps I am taking. If anyone is wondering if I would do it again, the answer is a resounding Yes. If anyone is doubting if they can do it, please don’t. The old saying is true: You will find the time for the things that matter to you.
One last note.
I loved that unintentionally the bloglikecrazy challenge came at the same time I was winding down with 75hard. I have a record of these last 30 days which included teacher training, strength classes, a fulfilling writing intensive and the introduction of the idea that I will one day be a Spartan and a Strongwoman.
There will be more reflection tomorrow but I have to acknowledge I made it to Day 75!
I both completely believe it and have a sense of disbelief that it’s almost done. I just have a few more ounces of water, dinner to track and I will close my eyes to wake up to Day 76.
I keep thinking about Friday, September 13th. I was at lunch with my friend explaining the challenge to her, asking if she’d like to join me. We agreed to start on Monday the 16th. That could have given me pause right there–starting on a Monday. How many times had I said that?
But this time was different. I didn’t have a special restrictive diet or fast to stick to and this was more about developing mental toughness which I lacked.
The morning of Monday, September 16th came. I was in bed, contemplating an excuse to not start and then my friend sent a text. I saw her name but didn’t read it. Seeing her name was the impetus for me to roll out of bed, get dressed and take my first walk in the neighborhood. It wasn’t until I was out there that I opened the text. It was a picture of her and a message saying her first workout was done. My response: “Yes! Doing first workout now!”
I know she’ll read this and see I might have sabotaged myself on yet another Monday if she hadn’t been stronger than me that day.
So I thank her for being my partner. I thank my husband for filling up gallon water bottles, packing lunches, taking pictures and pushing me on the days when the second workout ended up beginning later than anticipated.
I owe gratitude to all the people who supported me and to God, whom I prayed to repeatedly asking for strength to finish and for a host of other things during this time.
No more words tonight.
Tomorrow may be day 76 and the challenge is over but I have a walk I want to take and a small group workout I will choose to participate in.
I am spending time with family. I often wish I could bring all members of my family together, in-laws and all. But I am grateful for the faces I see today and not even feeling the slightest hint of bitterness about what I have left to do to complete day 74. One more workout and a few ounces of water left will have it all done. Since I am sitting passenger side and on the way back home, I am keeping this short. I don’t want to miss many more moments.
the realization or fulfillment of one’s talents and potentialities, especially considered as a drive or need present in everyone.
At Afterburn class tonight, I was the only person who showed up. I was ready to work but didn’t expect to talk about where I have been or where I see myself going.
While warming up, my teacher asked me about how I spend my days. I told her about my day job and my writing and upcoming teaching. And then she asked a question I knew I would be writing about this evening:
“Do you feel self-actualized?”
I told her I feel it more now than ever before but I think it’s a journey. With the addition of these strength training and weekly yoga classes, there is a distinct difference for me. I had to change the fitness story I’ve been telling myself forever. It used to go like this:
I like to walk and jog, preferably outside. I love to dance and water aerobics but that’s really it. I don’t like weightlifting. It’s boring and it’s just not for me. I have never been an athlete.
In just a few short weeks, I am ready to alter some of those details:
I love weightlifting, especially one on one or in a small group. I love to dance, go to water aerobics classes, walking and jogging outside everyday and challenge the flexibility and strength of my body in yoga. I am an athlete, training to compete in a Strongman and my first Spartan race in a few months time. I love the powerful woman I am becoming.
There is no destination for me. I believe I am constantly unfolding and breaking old molds. I am in a state of perpetual vulnerability which can be equal parts exhausting and exhilarating.
When I got up this morning, it took everything in me to go on my walk. I know I only had myself to blame for it, too. I have been committed to these challenges but not to ensuring adequate sleep each night.
That changes today. It’s essential to me as a human biologically and emotionally. My anxiety rises and I am not as ready to face the day if it’s lacking. I have had to ask myself a question more than once lately: What’s stopping me from just going to bed early?
What do I think I’m missing? It reminds me of being little and fighting sleep at bedtime. Since those days are long gone, it’s time to realize I am a bit older and my body (and mind) are taking on more than it’s ever had.
Instead of passing out unceremoniously on the couch and hustling up the stairs a couple of hours later for proper sleep, tonight I will form a new habit which will undoubtedly make me a little happier to greet the sun tomorrow morning.
I am looking forward to the end but formulating what’s next. What’s the point of finishing 75hard only to return to the exact same habits as before it started?
As I’ve written before, daily walks will continue. Strength training 3-4 times a week and yoga on Sunday. The intensity may feel exactly the same but there is something comforting about working to reaching a goal without the compulsion of completing a challenge.
Besides the Trifecta goal next year, there is a weight loss goal but I don’t care as much about that as I did a couple of months ago. I want (and will have) the fitness to achieve my goals. This brings to mind another thought. Not caring what anyone thinks about my goal will be paramount to my success. Not naysayers, family, friends, my gym community or what I have come to experience most recently–the presence of a pushy online trainer on social media trying to find out exact details (like my weight) in order to give me unsolicited advice.
I will always appreciate and love support but I won’t depend on outside validation to become who I need to be to cross the line all three times in 2020.
My hot Vinyasa yoga teacher read a gorgeous piece at the end of class. I should have asked who wrote it because I cannot seem to find it. I will ask next week. The sentence “Turn your face to the sun” repeats several times. It was a charge to be more grateful, acknowledge all of the smiling eyes and prayers made on your behalf no matter the trial.
I needed the encouragement. Though it wouldn’t usually bother me, I felt a sense of shame not being able to get into many of the poses. I felt exposed, as if I was a fraud. The insecurity of having “too much” body. Believe me, I know better but the feeling arose a few more times even after telling myself to shake it off and that those thoughts do not get to make a home here.
This is my quiet time. My prayer time. My stretch time. My solo practice in the midst of all of these sweaty, bendy bodies. Even though I was never completely settled, the piece spoke to my insecurities and reminded me of why I intend to keep coming.
Why I intend to keep coming after all of it –the last 5 days of 75 hard, the last week of bloglikecrazy, teaching, writing and training for Spartan.
On the 69th day, I went to a small group physical training class and the “small group” ended up being me.
I appreciated the one-on-one attention. My first real attempt at pull-ups was valiant and the success was aided by a set of bands I stood on for support. Per my new usual, I left tired but proud of the work done.
Afterwards, I met a friend for my second workout –a walk in the park. She gifted me a lovely book of poetry for my birthday.
On the back of the book there was a quote that resonated deeply with me:
“Nobody warned you that the women whose feet you cut from running would give birth to daughters with wings.”
Many women like me come from silenced women, oppressed women or women who lived as if their feet were bound or cut because of what the world brainwashed them to claim as truth.
And they did give birth to women like me and many women like my dear friend who want to live out loud, feel the earth under their feet on multiple continents, hike, climb, start their own businesses, volunteer, work, raise money, take care of their families, write books and lead without apology.
Women like me who are scared to live without the recognition of their wings.
I had a 5:30am strength class. I struggled to elephant crawl on the AstroTurf, quaking breath and wobbly arms, but it got done. I drove home, jumped out of the car and took a walk.
The long kind of meditative walk that I won’t stop taking once this challenge is over next Friday.
My mind wanders and winds as much as my feet do on these walks. So much to observe. The lonely cats. The barefoot woman who runs out to start and warm up her car before scurrying back in. The trashmen in dayglow vests dragging receptacles across the dewey grass. The children with their hoodies up and heads down, buried in their phones.
I remind myself often to pray. Say thank you, Kristina. You were blessed to wake up today. Your husband woke up today. Your family is healthy. Pray they feel loved and safe and want for nothing.
I may listen to something. But no earphones. I let the sound ring out from the depths of my coat pocket. When I started these walks 68 days ago, I anticipated my fitness changing, growing but I didn’t anticipate the gratification.
I think it’s better that way. Finding it, falling into a practice rather than entering full of assumptions. That is where the authenticity can be found.
This evening, I attended a book signing about minimalism. I enjoyed the message and it had me thinking about how to foster my own growth in my minimalism journey. Specifically, I asked myself about the old clothes I am holding on to at the back of my closet — the outfit I graduated college in and a pair of jeans I wore in 2003. I don’t intend to wear any of those pieces in public again but I am waiting and working for the moment where I can try them on again with the confidence that they’ll fit.
But even if it does fit, I won’t be that person who used to wear them. It won’t feel the same. I won’t be that age. My body will be older. So why the emotion attached to them?
After tomorrow’s grueling morning workout, I am going to fish those clothes out and find a new home for them. I don’t think they live here anymore.
It is time to make room for the things that actually do.