Moving on

Moving on

Hubby and I recently started talking about moving. I bought my home 13 years ago. I loved knowing I was a single woman in my 20’s buying property for no one but herself. I wasn’t waiting for marriage or for anyone to save me before making the leap, either. I have fond memories of my realtor walking me through the house, loving the layout, my walk-in closet and getting excited about being less than 10 minutes from work and the city.

I was so proud on the morning of my closing. My family and friends (except for one who was patronizing towards me) were happy for me. I felt like I had won, especially when I gripped the keys in my hands for the first time.

All these years later, I still feel a sense of pride for that young woman but I am also ready to say goodbye. I am at a stage where I know that although Hubby and I haven’t physically grown out of this place, emotionally we have moved on. I also realized there’s no permission needed to no longer hold on. I don’t need a security blanket.

We are slowly but surely making the changes we need. I am in no hurry to go. I am at peace with our decision even if we don’t know where we’ll be in a year or two.

I think this is what is called acceptance.

Acceptance

Acceptance

Today, I had a conversation about energy, spirit, connection and quantum physics which started to flow into another conversation about near death experiences.

It had me thinking about the one thing I hear almost all people say after having one: They are no longer afraid to die.

I have no idea what that feels like or if I should even aspire to live that way. Yes, living without being consumed by fear is aspirational for me but no fear of dying?

As a Christian, we are taught not to be afraid of death. There will be life, glorious life waiting for us on the other side. My faith says that’s true but my humanity says I haven’t lived this side of life fully yet. When I go, I want to be nearly exhausted by the memories, the sheer force of how much I have to remember. I surely am not there yet.

I asked my husband, who lost his father many years ago, was there any comfort in the fact that he lived well into his 80’s?

He answered: “It never feels like there’s enough time.”

I had to take a moment to let it sit. If it will never feel like enough, then I better get on with the business of acceptance.

Accepting it may never feel like enough words, silences, sun, giggles, sex, food, hugs, tears, seasons, scars and breath.

Enough love.

But that’s ok because while I’m getting on with the business of acceptance, I’m getting on with the business of living.

 

 

Cleansed

Cleansed

This week’s word is “cleansed.” Even though I am very busy during the week, I made the decision to move myself a bit more and incorporate more fruits and veggies via smoothies and juices. I ended up with a 8.4lb loss but that wasn’t the best thing about this week. It was how clean I felt. I was more clear, energetic and focused. I started to think about setting fitness goals like a race and it seemed more real than ever. I don’t want to get too excited. I am guilty of signing up for a couple things I wasn’t prepared to complete in the past so the next time I do it, I want to feel confident.

Knowing rather than guessing is best so I will keep putting in the work and accepting the results peacefully.

It’s the only way to I know to truly love and honor myself during this process.