Today, I had a conversation about energy, spirit, connection and quantum physics which started to flow into another conversation about near death experiences.
It had me thinking about the one thing I hear almost all people say after having one: They are no longer afraid to die.
I have no idea what that feels like or if I should even aspire to live that way. Yes, living without being consumed by fear is aspirational for me but no fear of dying?
As a Christian, we are taught not to be afraid of death. There will be life, glorious life waiting for us on the other side. My faith says that’s true but my humanity says I haven’t lived this side of life fully yet. When I go, I want to be nearly exhausted by the memories, the sheer force of how much I have to remember. I surely am not there yet.
I asked my husband, who lost his father many years ago, was there any comfort in the fact that he lived well into his 80’s?
He answered: “It never feels like there’s enough time.”
I had to take a moment to let it sit. If it will never feel like enough, then I better get on with the business of acceptance.
Accepting it may never feel like enough words, silences, sun, giggles, sex, food, hugs, tears, seasons, scars and breath.
Enough love.
But that’s ok because while I’m getting on with the business of acceptance, I’m getting on with the business of living.
When I began #bloglikecrazy challenge, one of the things I wanted to explore was paying off debt. Even though my blog mostly explores plant-based health and writing, financial health is something I am sure we can all agree is extremely important. I believe it’s all connected.
I have never considered myself extremely financially savvy but the one thing I did I absolutely do not regret is buy my first home on my own 11 years ago. Sure, there have been times when I wished I could just call a landlord to handle a problem. I can’t deny that but no matter the ups and downs I went through as a single or married woman, no one can take away the fact that I did it on my own.
I can truly take care of myself without a life partner or a parent making those monthly decisions for me or with me.
There is nothing wrong with doing it with anyone else–that is how I live now but I carry the knowledge that when it comes down to it, I don’t have to be afraid of that unknown.
As hubby and I move forward with our lives, we seek to become completely debt-free with the ability to travel and give as we wish. We are trying to be accountable and truthful with ourselves as possible.
I’ve noticed when it comes to money how easy it is to excuse spending outside of the budget, especially on going out to eat. I have been listening to Dave Ramsey on and off for years and used to watch Suze Orman but all of the information is useless if I am not vigilant about implementing it.
So for the remainder of this year (to start), I am challenging myself to stick to a budget. Like down to the penny. I’ve done it before but the intention is different because I am. I will be strictly back on the Total Money Makeover Plan and look forward to being the kind of person who not only shuns excuses about writing and health but about finances, too.
Your turn:
Are you on a specific plan? How have you prepared yourself (and your family) to be financially free?
1. I have lost a lot of my hair over the years due to PCOS and girl, please go to a hairdresser on a regular basis to take better care of your natural tresses.
2. I watch an episode of “The Office” almost every day. It still makes me laugh..some of the best writing (and acting) ever!
3. When I was younger, I used to rip out reviews from the TV guide written by Jeff Jarvis and save it because I thought being a TV critic had to be the coolest. job. ever.
4. When I was 22, I went to Costa Rica and my purse was stolen at a restaurant along with my passport. Needless to say, I got back in the country but that was a night I will never forget.
5. I hate shopping! Mall shopping has actually made me queasy. I want to buy what I need and get out immediately.
6. I still have the original text message my husband sent me in 2010 to introduce himself.
7. I can walk on my toe knuckles. I don’t do it anymore but when I was little I loved it! I wonder how I even found out I could do it in the first place.
8. One of my favorite movies is “The Mirror Has Two Faces.” I don’t know why I love it so much. I am not a huge Streisand fan but there is something about it that makes me giddy to watch.
9. I didn’t have any social media until September 2016 and had I not joined School of Greatness Academy, I probably still wouldn’t.
10. Watching people dance (well) on stage can make me cry. I mean even an audition on a dance competition show can trip me up. Sometimes I choke it back because I know it’s ridiculous but when I am alone, you would swear something happened to me. There’s something about dancing with passion and precision that gets to me.
So those were my confessions! Hope you enjoyed getting to know me a little better!
I went to lunch with two friends earlier last week. We discussed our goals, stepping out on faith and what to do when we don’t believe. A suggestion was made that I take the time to write what I am not believing God for. For example: God, I don’t believe I will be able to financially support our family in a real way with my writing. Show me what to do with these feelings. Show me how to increase my faith. Help me to align myself, my habits and my words so that I can believe this for myself.
Even though what I just wrote was clearly an example, a conflict arose for me. There is a school of thought that a lot of self-help people and people of faith (and both) subscribe to that says you are to claim your dreams and your victories as if they are already here.
As if you’ve already won.
While that school of thought feels empowering and I am sure has produced mind-blowing results, something inside says that it ignores the very real struggle of getting to that place. The place of full-on, no questioning, all-mighty certainty.
Is there a place for me? Someone who’s in the middle? Someone who believes winning is completely possible but also sometimes feels like they’ve already lost?
I am going to take my friend’s suggestion and journal and pray from a very honest, sometimes lost in the wilderness place and also from a hopeful, medals already swinging from my neck place.
Even though there are no guarantees as to where these honest prayers will take me, I find solace in its authenticity.
Last night, we randomly watched Jeopardy on Netflix and I learned a new word.
Syzygy.
Definition: the nearly straight-line configuration of three celestial bodies (such as the sun, moon, and earth during a solar or lunar eclipse) in a gravitational system.
It got me thinking about what has to go right all at the same for that configuration. The details surpass my basic understanding of eclipses.
Then this thought occurred to me: is there a word for when everything goes right at the same time? In someone’s life?
I googled it. What came up confounded me. The first of many results asked “What do you you do when everything goes wrong at the same time?
The search results begged the question: Are we inherently negative? OR Do we even recognize when it is all going right? When it’s all going right, do we take the beauty of that circumstance for granted?
I know things all going right doesn’t mean perfection which I personally love. Knowing everything can feel right without a false expectation of perfection is perfection to me.
Last weekend, my sister invited us to workout with her trainer. I am ashamed to admit it had been a good two months since I worked out strenuously. Her trainer didn’t beat us up (although walking was a challenge for 2 days afterwards) but it was obvious to me it was about time someone did or at least come close to it consistently.
Between travel, doctor’s visits and hospital stays, I hadn’t realized I gave up on working out. Days really do turn into weeks and weeks into months. I am determined not to finish that last sentence with “and months into years.”
I can rationalize reasons to let the sentence head in that direction but I heard something else from Patrice Washington’s podcast yesterday. She calls rationalizing “rationing out lies.”
I could lie and say there’s not enough time or I’m too tired but why tell those lies? They are not fooling anyone, including myself. As for all of the other reasons that took my focus away from my healing these last couple months, I forgive myself and will move on. I have a tendency to stress about “where I would have been if only I had done this” but that never gets me anywhere.
The point is to start over right where I am. No waiting for the New Year or even my birthday in a couple of weeks. I am hoping the adage “when you know better, you do better” applies to me this time around.
So for anyone else starting over especially in the midst of a trial, I wish you luck, pray for blessings and send every ounce of positivity I can your way.
I listened to Patrice Washington’s podcast “Redefining Wealth” today. It was entitled “Give God Something to Bless.”
I knew right away her message would speak to me. Hubby and I frequently talk about God blessing our efforts whether it pertains to our careers, our health, our finances or finding a church community we can trust again. She said something that had a strong impact on me. I had to hear it twice.
“Can God see what I’m waiting on based on what I’m working on?”
When I listen to podcasts, I often feel inspired, as if I am getting a free education and depending on the nature of it, I have found myself in tears (listen to the School of Greatness interview with John Gray).
But today, I got “a word.”
I was convicted. I know the things I need to consistently work on and when I don’t, I do kind of have an entitled idea that I should be blessed in that area anyway.
After all, I’m a good person. Right?
But what I know and what Patrice’s words seared into me, was that being “good” doesn’t mean you are doing your best. “Good” doesn’t mean you are rising to your challenges and it definitely doesn’t mean you have honored the talent that was gifted to you since you first drew breath.
So I am going to take this word and give Him something to bless. No need to talk about it.
I am sitting here, fatigued from fighting allergies and looking forward to my second year of taking the #bloglikecrazy challenge. Every day in November (per See Jane Write founder Javacia Harris Bowser), we are challenged to write a post.
It couldn’t have come at a better time for me. The last 2-3 months, I intentionally took some time away from consistent blogging. Hubby and I are on a healing journey that became more serious in nature in August. There wasn’t much left in me to express.
I couldn’t seem to find the words. I didn’t want to look at new recipes and there seemed to be no words left to write about any aspect of writing.
After the Digital Storytelling Workshop for Women of Color at the University of Alabama Tuscaloosa, new life was breathed into me. I want to keep blogging but I know I want to shift my focus. After all, I am interested in so many things: minimalism, plant-based food, natural hair, spirituality and religion, dance, travel, natural healing, fertility, reading, storytelling, paying off debt, giving back and becoming an established writer with entrepreneurial skills.
Although I am not sure what that looks like yet on this site, I do feel drawn to figuring it out now.
I believe blogging like crazy will help me shape these ideas and forge a new path for me as I head into 2019.
It has been said that we all have angels assigned to us or all around us.
If that is true, mine sent me to the University of Alabama, Tuscaloosa last weekend.
I was chosen, along with 14 other women across the country to participate in a three-day workshop called The Storyteller Project: Digital Storytelling for Women of Color facilitated by Dr. Robin Boylorn and Veralyn Williams with a special lunch and learn with Dr. Rachel Raimist.
When I was selected, I remember feeling so much excitement that I paced the room. I didn’t even think about what it would be or who I would be in that space until I got the additional information we needed to prepare before coming–“Bring an excerpt written by/about a woman of color that inspires or resonates with you (one paragraph or less). Personal story ideas or topics (Consider what part of your story do you want to tell, and why?)”
That part of the preparation made it real. I was going to come and fellowship, yes. But I was going to have to do the work. Ask myself serious questions. It demanded that one of my truths be spoken.
As time passed and the workshop was rescheduled from August to October, I had time to let a few doubts seep in about whether or not my story would be compelling or impactful enough but I never let it take up residence in my mind, the only place that matters.
Within seconds of arriving in The Hub at the University of Alabama, any fears I had were allayed. I was met with such warmth by the other women, Dr. Robin Boylorn and her graduate assistant, Lola I was instantly at ease. I no longer doubted the validity or the strength of my story. There was no reason to wonder why I had been chosen.
There was no time for my “stuff.”
I was there not only to be a participant and a storyteller but to bear witness.
I witnessed Black women being daughters, Black women being mothers and Black women being sisters.
Black women giving ourselves permission to fall apart recognizing there was someone there to provide a soft place, lap and heart.
I witnessed women give birth to their stories.
It was painstaking at times but it was healing.
There were women aching to release their screams, aching for the women who raised them, aching to claim their sexuality, aching for healing, aching to tell stories of other silenced and forgotten Black men and women, aching to be seen and aching for a way to grieve.
There were moments where my heart was so full “overflow” will never be the word, is not enough of a word.
On Day 1, we were asked to work in groups to talk about Black women, our stories and address the themes of the passages we brought.
By Day 3, it was evident they weren’t just words in marker on paper taped to a wall. We gave those words life. We breathed life into those words. We embodied those themes and stories in our work.
I was in a room full of survivors.
Me and Lakeesha Harris, a woman who isn’t afraid to speak her truth and honor her ancestors.
Jilisa Milton (future civil rights lawyer) and Jameka Hartley (passionate storyteller and force of nature) chopping it up before we got going on Day 3.
Getting ready for Day 1!
Producer extraordinaire and my birthday twin Veralyn Williams!
Bernadette Merikle wowed us with her spirit and artistry!
Allison Upshaw–love the spirit and gorgeous operatic voice on this diva!
Me and masterful storyteller Salaam Green, also one of my See Jane Write sisters!
Veralyn showing us the ropes on Day 2.
Education advocate Cassandra Jones. She was sweet and when she spoke of wanting to tell her family stories reminded me of how much I want to tell more of my grandmother’s.
Me with my adventurous hometown sister Delilah Gilliam and our amazing workshop assistant, Lola!
No More Martyrs founder Nadia Richardson and Allison Upshaw. I loved connecting with these ladies!
Professor and podcast host, Tiffany Pogue is a dynamic sister who honors her ancestors.
None other than our awe-inspiring leader, Dr. Robin Boylorn and fiery lawyer-to-be Andrea Dobynes!
On Day 2, Dr. Rachel Raimist joined the party via Zoom in Los Angeles. She imparted valuable advice on how to break down our audio to prepare them for Day 3. During the session, she used a photo of her own grandmother and mother to propose a story. I loved how she used something as simple as the frame (or lack thereof) to give us ideas on the many ways to approach a narrative.
Veralyn Williams (NPR producer with the patience of an angel) came from New York to start co-facilitating with Robin and help us produce our audio/audio-visual stories. In addition to sharing her digital storytelling expertise, she challenged me. I had never used the IMovie application before and I was frustrated trying to navigate it. After helping me with some of the more difficult parts of the editing process, she let me know in no uncertain terms she was not going to complete it for me.
Even though I didn’t ask her to, she knew if I sat back and let her continue to work on the visuals, I would have. It became glaringly obvious how uncomfortable I am with people recognizing my fear of not being able to do something well.
I psyched myself up to finish, remembering we were all in this together and as Robin lovingly pointed out, this was technically a first draft.
Dr. Rachel Raimist joining us during our Lunch and Learn session on Day 2 from LA.
After dinner and pictures we all sat together (including Robin’s beautiful mother) to screen our stories and enjoy cake.
I know I can only speak for myself but what I experienced during and especially after the screening was no less than supernatural.
When a group of Black women who don’t hold shame and celebrate the skin they’re in congregate and create with love, there is a sense of power, a collective power in the room.
I was at work when I saw these words. It got me to thinking.
Be original. I believe, even though God created each and every one of us to be just that, we often forget. I forget. When I let myself get distracted and start to drown in the murky waters of depression, I forget it’s my purpose. Being the original person Kristina was made to be is the truth I should be walking in and not running away from.
Be natural. This can take on so many meanings. For me, natural has meant how I love, how I wear my hair (and my emotions on my sleeves), how I write and how I aspire to eat. I won’t get it right every single time but I will shoot for coming and staying close. When I am not honest about what I am feeling or pollute my temple with foods that don’t honor my mission, it doesn’t serve who I am. In the last month or so, I chose to slow down the frequency of my posting. The break has been much needed but I don’t want to lose sight of what I feel I have been called to do with this platform. I don’t want to lose sight of what comes to me naturally.
Be good. At one point during the day, whether or not I believe it to be true, I declare out loud: Today is going to be a good day. Today is going to be a great day. So even when I have been insulted or heard medical news that makes me want to sob uncontrollably or indulged in a moment of fear, I still say those words. I believe in the good. In people. In spirit. In God. The good that comes from deep, intimate connection. The good that comes from kisses, tight hugs and a reassuring voice on the phone.
The good in a good cry. The good in plants. The good in a story that makes me want to write my own. The good in gratitude.
Kristina Hamlett writes to connect, heal, and be a force for change. 