Perfect Day

I just had a day I wish I could have once a week. I took a three-hour writing class entitled “Pens Up, Fears Down” taught by Sadeqa Johnson. A friend of mine also attended (a lovely surprise). After class, I was invited to a lunch by her that she already had planned with another close girlfriend of mine.

When the day began, it was a bit of a struggle to tear myself away from the bed. I strained  my left ankle jamming my foot into the sneaker but told myself it would be ok once I got going. Thankfully, I was right.

Recently at the tail end of my walks, I have shifted into a jog. I was being tender with my ankle so I rolled it around a bit and decided today I would continue this new tradition. I ended up jogging longer than I had since this began!

Even though I overestimated how much time I had to get ready before class, I still made it for all of the writing prompts. Before class, my hunch was Sadeqa’s style of teaching and the community of writers gathered would reignite my fire for writing fiction.

It took a couple of prompts but I finally started to tell the story that’s been a bit of an obsession for me lately. That story has been trying to find a place on the paper for a couple  months now but I have been avoiding it.

I think I found the start of a couple of short stories or a novella. I love when I make space for a story and it lets me know it has found its home when the pen hits the page.

The fact that I got to cap this writing experience off with a lunch with two of my beautiful writer friends was perfection. We should have taken a picture but I am pleased we were too absorbed in one another to break the spell of lovely, flowing conversation to do so.

I am in the middle of day 55 of 75hard (with water to drink, pages to read, a picture to take and a workout to complete) and day 9 of bloglikecrazy. Days like this wear me out in the best way.

I am back home. I will take a few minutes to lie down and reflect on this most perfect day.

Then I will get on with the rest of the work because I have to show up for Day 56 and Day 10 no matter how it shows up for me.

Compassion

Today, I attended a lecture conducted by Susan Brock Wilkes, PhD about compassion at Healthy Mornings, a monthly lecture series I frequent. I slipped in a little late and by the time I got there, people in the room were volunteering stories of how compassion showed up in their lives.

She spoke about the benefits and how to cultivate it. Dr. Wilkes even shared a touching recording of a story about a man calming an autistic patient down in a emergency room by using the same technique he uses with his own son on the spectrum. The mother was so gracious and kind in her retelling, it was hard not to tear up as she recounted it. I saw I was not alone in my emotional response.

We talked about the love, the understanding and the vulnerability that it takes to give and receive compassion. Dr. Wilkes led an exercise which felt more like a meditation to gauge the physical response to compassionate thoughts.

Guided meditations generally fill me with anxiety. This time was no different but there was a moment where she had us focus on someone we love that was soothing. I could feel myself relax as my thoughts oscillated between my husband, my Mom and my nephew whom I knew I would be seeing within the hour.

Fridays are a now more of a free day for me and I relish the opportunity to sleep in as long as my body will allow. However, I know getting myself up early to meet a friend and become part of an experience exploring and celebrating the power of compassion makes a few lost hours completely worthwhile.

Gratitude

I just came back from a night out at a work event/fundraiser that had me thinking about all of the things I am grateful for, things I take for granted every day:

A bed to sleep in

Access to healthcare

A running car

My mental health

The ability to read

There are many other things I could add to this very basic list but that’s all I have tonight. I need to appreciate what I take for granted.

 

Day 52

I have spent a lot of time reading, listening and watching other people’s journeys on 75hard. A common theme I have seen is that the farther along you are the harder it is mentally to complete it. I took note of it but ultimately didn’t want to or frankly need to believe my experience would mimic theirs.

I have walked in the rain, in the cold, the sun, have avoided cars who didn’t care about my pedestrian status and didn’t fall out of love  with any bit of the outdoor part. I have drank 52 gallons of water, lifted weights, done yoga, danced by myself, gone back to the gym and read the books. Besides random left ankle pain here and there, my body has held up.

Last night after a meeting, I came home exhilarated and the last thing I felt like doing was a second workout. But I did it. I went to bed and woke up with tremendous pain in my right ear. I usually start the day outside but couldn’t today.

I eventually got up, went to work and barely made it through the first half of my day. I expected to come straight home and pass out but I feared doing it because I knew I wouldn’t be coming back outside.

As I was turning into our neighborhood, I vowed to put my sneakers on and do 45 minutes. And I did it. I earned those minutes.  I also don’t feel it was coincidental that I felt it so acutely this late –with only 23 days left. If all the challenges are coming for me, in the last few weeks, I may not welcome it but I choose to believe this is why the challenge is so long– to ensure those who take it are guaranteed to fight battles and be ready to slay the dragons that enter long after 75 has passed.

Uncertainty

I am sitting in a cafe waiting for someone to come who could be passing through my life (highly doubtful) or be a force to steer it in a direction I never knew I wanted until this year.

So now, I am writing and staring at art meant to provoke joy, a trip back in time to a local record store and thoughts about the way the scales of justice tips.

I am wondering if I knew everything that was going to happen, with all of the certainty only the Almighty can ensure, would I live it all of the same?

I am sure the answer is No.

I wouldn’t be open to all of the lessons, the heartbreak, the connections, the opportunities and the maturity that the uncertainty brings.

Day 50

Today is day 50 of 75hard challenge.

I woke up and wanted to run today. Even as I saw the temperature was at freezing and the bed was calling, there was something greater in me this morning telling me I had to move.

My run may resemble more of a slow jog but one day that won’t be the case. I will find that my willingness to drag this body out of the bed into the frigid cold daily will mean discipline and showing my entire being the love it so richly deserves.

Today, I was discussing possible opportunities to participate in a physical competition and to follow through on a writing collaboration I’ve been dreaming about for many months. It was pointed out to me that not executing on either one of those things might mean playing small.

Playing small, minimizing, hiding all mean the same thing.

Another year of an unrealized me.

Another year of doors I tell myself I cannot open.

Even though they are already ajar.

 

A Note from the Sauna

I’m writing this post-workout from the sauna. I had a long morning. Hubby and I spent that time having the kind of conversation I believe all married couples should. We went in deep, talking about things we promise do differently, pushing ourselves not to shut down when an issue comes up, as comfortable and as easy as that may be sometimes.

To shut down. Stay silent. Wait until one of us feels like talking and the tension clears to be “us” again. By the end of our talk, I told him I could never be in that kind of relationship.

I never want him to not know what I am really feeling. How his words or lack thereof or his action or lack thereof affects my mental health and my perspective on what we have built and are continuing to build together.

If I hold it all in, I will inevitably explode or maybe worse- say nothing for so long I become fearful to broach the subjects I need to.

I am guessing this is what relationship looks like for so many some days. Working through the awkward silences and the vulnerable admissions, choosing in our own way to say “I do” everyday.

I am fortunate most days are mixed with a healthy dose of routine, laughter, affection and the occasional surprise.

I am blessed to love someone who will tread those murky waters with me, confident our love is strong enough to meet us on the other side.

 

 

Soul Work

I’m so full right now.

I just left a workshop facilitation training at Life in 10 Minutes taught by Valley Haggard.

I got to hold space with people who are eager to give of themselves.

I was challenged to be a stronger listener.

I thought I knew how to listen but now I can see where the holes are and with time, they will be filled.

I now know if I had tried to teach before, I would have walked in with many more blindspots.

I come away from the workshop believing artists feed one another and grow together, especially if we are creating in service to others.

I knew I needed the education but I didn’t know I was going to be gifted with the breadth of wisdom that the room gave me today.

It is incredibly satisfying to leave an experience with questions answered I didn’t know I had when I walked in.

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I am not as scared of what comes next even as my heart predictably races and doubt threatens to creep to the surface.

I am not living this life or challenging myself to teach and participate in the healing of the fresh and decaying wounds of my future students so I can be settled and silent.

I am not sure what good I would be then.

Never stirring this soul of mine up.

 

 

 

Blogging Like Crazy: Year 3

I debated whether I would take the challenge this year. It would be my third year participating in bloglikecrazy (created by See Jane Write founder Javacia Harris Bowser) but beyond talking about 75hard, an upcoming birthday and time spent with family, I didn’t feel like I had 30 days in me this year.

And then I took a walk.

I slept in and decided to go to a local park for my first workout of the day. It was much cooler than previous mornings but I was grateful for the ample sunshine. I noticed the parking lot was full for a Friday morning. I saw a group of well dressed people gathered on a landing overlooking the lake. A few of them smiled at me.

By the time I walked another lap, I saw the group surrounding a slender woman with a beautiful afro in a silky emerald dress and a white fur shawl draped around her shoulders holding hands with a man, presumably her groom.

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As I continued to walk around the park, I walked with more intensity, buoyed by the sight of an unanticipated wedding.

I realized blogging (for me) has always been a place to share not just the musings and thoughts about writing, plant-based living and mindset but a record of the beautiful, the random and the unexpected.

 

Purpose

Saturday morning I went for a walk/jog with a friend and afterwards told myself I was on my way to Whole Foods to grab breakfast/lunch and then home for some well-deserved rest and binge watching.

I was wrong.

Somewhere between the track and the store, I found myself wondering if today would be a good day to visit my friend Brian Tucker’s noon class at Hot House Yoga. I remember telling him I would drop in on a class one day but like some other things in my life, I just “hadn’t gotten around to it yet.” Not because Brian didn’t seem like a quality teacher or I didn’t want to get back into yoga again but because I was making excuses not to push myself.

And if there is one thing 75hard has taught me is to push myself. As ridiculous as it might seem, I spent the next 30 minutes or so at the store and driving to his class, trying to convince myself there would be a better time.

I think anyone reading this already knows: there is no such thing as a “better time.” All we ever really have is now.

And I couldn’t put up much of a fight. I was already in the proper clothing.  I had my yoga mat in the trunk of my car from when my co-workers and I decided to follow a beginners yoga YouTube video on a lunch break a couple weeks back.

Here is what followed:

A big, beautiful hug and welcoming smile from Brian who was genuinely surprised to see me.

Watching my friend who shared dreams of teaching yoga just a few years back gently command a room with skill and intention.

After experiencing a half-hour of heated movement, my body told me to take a break. I walked out and then back in but found the nausea was too overwhelming for the moment so I was back out again.

I am glad I listened to my body as I sat quietly outside of class, waiting for the session to finish so I could go back in and collect my mat.

I had time to let the right thoughts settle and to sit comfortably with the knowledge that I tried. I didn’t talk myself out of a challenge and I had the blessing to experience something much greater:

A friend walking in his purpose.