loss – Kristina Hamlett writes to connect, heal, and be a force for change.

Grieving

It occurs to me that I haven’t written here in months. But I didn’t realize why until I am watching a glimmer in my therapist’s eye as she is telling me to grieve. Yes, I know I lost a grandfather, an organ, the possibility of being able to grow a child in my uterus and a friend in 2023 but I’ve been dealing with all of that. But she pointed out something else I have been grieving.

The rights to my first book of poetry and prose “She Lives Here” were reverted back to me last year. There are loose ends to tie up that I am responsible for that I have been distracting myself from for months. But why?

My therapist had the nerve, the unmitigated gall to point out the truth. I am also grieving everything that went with writing, promoting, pushing, doing readings for “She Lives Here.” This is not to say it is over but it’s been a couple of years, almost three and it is no longer a new work that I am excited about birthing into the world. It’s been here. It is still my baby that I am proud of and will always carry with me but the truth remains. As I pointed out above, I have become a reluctant expert in grief. But have I learned to move through it? Is there really a coming out on the other side or will there always be moments when I retreat back into the darkness of the cave, unwilling to peek my head back out?

I believe these questions will stay with me as waves of grief hit me in the months and years to come. I think the sadness is natural. I think there is beauty in letting it be what it is. I think there are smaller things to grieve like the closure of the freshness and newness of She Lives Here and the tsunami sadness waves like losing my grandfather. And it is all real. It is all valid. And all of it is worthy of recognition and attention.

Leaning In

Time for a wellness update. I am not sure why this one is so hard for me. I was thinking about why some weeks I work so hard to fight for my goals and others make me want to crawl under the covers and not come out for a couple of days. My couple of days was this past week. I found myself doing things I wouldn’t normally doing. I know I am not scared of success, especially if it brings me closer to my health goals so when I do things to sabotage my goals even if it only shows up as a 2 lb weight gain, what does that mean?

It may mean that I am close to a breakthrough which doesn’t happen often. And if it doesn’t happen often, the lack of familiarity makes me freeze up and want to run back to the comfort I know, even if it’s not the healthiest place.

The difference is I recognize it and want to lean into whatever breakthrough is coming, no matter the discomfort or the uncertainty that makes me feel like I am breaking apart and coming together over and over again.

Progress

In these last few months, I’ve learned how much I need accountability. Not just with my writing. I’ve always known a lack of discipline was a problem for me that bled into a couple areas of my life. I found last year if I took writing class or attended writing groups, I was more likely to–that’s right you guessed it–write!

I wrote last week about accepting the number no matter what it is especially for the purpose of accountability. I am still learning the lesson. This week I lost 2.8 lbs and I noticed I worked out much more frequently and strenuously the last couple of days before I weighed in. I realized I have a fear of not seeing a loss. I think that’s natural but the intensity associated with it leaned towards obsessive. I didn’t know there would be so many things to confront regarding acceptance but there it is.

So that leaves me here, trying to have some perspective on this journey–the length, the ups and downs and the acknowledgement that it took some time to get here so it will take time to get where I want to be and even feel comfortable when I get there.

This week I took my first set of progress pictures. It helped me to appreciate where I’ve been and to get a little more excited about where I’m going.

Here they are:

Before on the Left and After on the right

So that’s Thursday’s wellness update!

Your turn:

Have you made any strides in your health lately? If so, please comment. I would love to read about your journey!