Three listens of “II Hands II Heaven” on Cowboy Carter. I would have thought after “Riverdance” that I would have continued my thoughts about my own relationship but the relationship that kept coming up was the one I am having with myself. I understand Beyonce is very much singing gorgeously about her husband. But I keep getting the feeling, even as in love as I am, the one I have been waiting for is me.
Each step forward in my health, my writing, my willingness to speak up for myself unveils the woman I was meant to be.
The real me.
I found myself resonating with “ten thousand steps towards the time of your life” with every repeat of the song. Since I was 23, I have had the feeling I was meant for something greater. I remember sitting on the couch at my parents’ old home and telling my mother that. I didn’t think I was going to change the world but I knew my whole life wouldn’t be centered around a cubicle and I would need an outlet. And for years (especially when I would find myself in those environments) and denying how much I wanted to call myself a writer, I saw the people who enjoyed this work as zombies which is unfair. They were trying to make a living. Not unlike me. But some of them could barely part from their cubicle to eat when there was a lovely walking path outside and did not take their paltry fifteen minute breaks. I was devastated for them even though they were probably numb to it. I still don’t know what that “grand” thing is but I am willing to find out.
Like the song says “Only God knows why though.”
When I meet the most realized version of myself, I want to feel like I “partied in Venus and woke up in Mars.” What’s occuring to me right now as I am writing this, is since growth, as long as you seek it, is neverending, some moment of finality may never come but it won’t stop the undeniable bursts of joy and recognition along the way.
The mystery of this life and how we love ourselves and others can be written and sung about for milennia on end and we will always find new ways to treasure and immortalize it.
I am filled with gratitude and happily throw up two hands to heaven as I am privileged to read and hear so much of it.
It is a scary thing—what we go through as we fall in love and throughout the duration of the relationship. That is what stayed with me throughout three listens, back to back to back of “Riverdance” from Cowboy Carter. Her initial reaction to her husband reminded of being thunderstruck and she wrote it down! I couldn’t help feel a bit envious of that. I wish I had written down my first encounter with my husband. I may not remember our entire conversation or everything he wore but I do remember his our first meeting made me feel.
I have written before that I may not have experienced love at first sight whatever that is supposed to mean but I did know it felt right and I knew could be myself. So not taking leave of my senses as she was but a crumbling of my well-guarded heart was already underway.
I do understand because I can be myself without apology giving him everything—my thunderstorm and second chances. Hurricane Kristina has entered the room a few more times than I would care to admit and I have had to slow down to give him grace and forgiveness. We never would have made it if we didn’t. We never would have continued to choose each other.
It was running through a river—rough, sometimes deceptively calm, sometimes as peaceful as it seems. I guess all of us have to decide who we want to roll with, who we want to run with and who we want to dance with.
I am back at it again. Three listens back to back to back of “LEVII’S JEANS” today. Reading the lyrics throughout it made me shout one thing or at least prompted an internal shout: “Hello Confidence!”
I know this song describes an undeniable, almost animal-like attraction and bond with someone but it still takes confidence to express how sexy and hot you feel even within the confines of the relationship. I have felt beautiful. I have sprinkled some sexy and gotten spicy but this level? Can’t say I have.
Centerfold? Nope.
However, this has me thinking. What if this is just an untapped part of myself, lying dormant, waiting to be awakened? Romance and love and cuddles and poetry and commitment? Fantastic. I’ve got it. I wouldn’t dream of letting it go.
But what about the confidence that developing your sexy for yourself brings?
Today was “II Most Wanted” on the Cowboy Carter album. Three listens back to back to back. I’ve listened several times before so it has settled in like an old friend. I didn’t have young “the first time I saw your face I fell in love” feelings when I met my husband but I knew early on he was causing the old me to make an exit. I learned to trust and see purity and goodness and intention without ulterior motive in a man.
I wasn’t afraid.
In the years since we’ve been together, I can conjure many memories of long car rides full of music, laughter and comfortable silences, and early rides where we pulled over to kiss frantically. Arguments and cold silences and ear and neck strokes. Sometimes, you know the love of a lifetime in those moments.
A whole lifetime.
I wish I could tell the old me that it would be alright, whether or not “he” came along but back then, I am not sure I would believe this time traveling version of myself. I needed to live it and breathe it…this most wanted love.
Three listens of “Jolene” today from the Cowboy Carter album. Back to back to back. Even with a title like that, I thought less and less about the woman she was describing and more about the rooted relationship she wouldn’t hesitate to fight for with all of her “Creole Banshee” might. When you pour a decade or two of yourself, your very life force into a bond, there isn’t much you wouldn’t do to protect it. There isn’t much you can say to adequately explain how each of you are rooted in one another. It doesn’t mean there won’t be crushes or the occasional wandering eye (Don’t we all love a shiny bauble from time to time?) but to break it, crumble until it’s dust is another matter altogether.
I love the smooth rides, the hectic days, the humdrum of our life. I can’t imagine a Jolene or a Jamal or whomever or whatever tearing it apart.
But.
We can be our own Jolene, desperately searching for something that we don’t need or another person or so-called adventure to fix what we believe is broken because we haven’t done the internal work to show up as our best self for our partner.
As the song says, I’ma stand by him. But I also going to stand by and up for us.
I am here again with back to back to back listens of “Bodyguard.” I want to be honest here so everything I thought when I listened will not be shared today. What I will say is that sometimes it is unimaginable glee, singing madly, possibly cracking atmosphere with my broken notes and other times, it is gut punches. I am grateful I have the happy times way more often than any other kind. It’s over 13 years and we still have growing pains. We are still learning lessons. We are still holding hands. We are still discovering each other. We are also disappointing each other. I want there to be a perfect love where everyday feels like the melody and the lyrics and the guitar riff at the end.
That is not our love. Sometimes we fail to be each other’s bodyguards.
I asked God to make me like water. It’s a sentence I have written down several times over the past few weeks as I have been preparing for the release of my new book of prose and poetry “She Lives Here” with L10 Press (Issue 2 of Unzipped, their new literary magazine subscription service).
I am proud of this book and am in love with the cover art created by Alexandra Antoine.
I have been writing about God making me like water because while I know overall this process is a joyful one, there will be moments of overwhelm and frustration. Since perfection doesn’t live here (or anywhere else), I will make a mistake while being interviewed, find a typo or someone I expect to support me decides not to. Even though my nature is to try to control these outcomes, the truth is that these things are inevitable. I want to ride this wave of gratitude for everything that has gone right.
When I was 11, I wrote about what kind of writer I wanted to be. I dreamed of being a novelist and writing for TV. Although the description doesn’t quite match the reality at this time, there is a part of me that wants to reach back 29 years and tell that little girl, “We did it!” A friend of mine asked me how it feels to know you wrote it down as a child and didn’t let the dream go. I didn’t have the words. It means I didn’t forget about her. I didn’t let alternate career choices, other people’s expectations, my own fear, anxiety, perceived ideas of “what should happen” stop me from trying.
I also want to let things flow like water, be water, is because I cannot control any reaction to my work either. As I wrote, I tried to embody the Nikki Giovanni quote: “You must be unintimidated by your own thoughts because if you write with someone looking over your shoulder, you’ll never write.” It took a couple drafts to get there but I trusted in the value of not holding back. I am thinking back to how I placed some of my more raw pieces in the middle of an earlier draft as if my publisher and editor wouldn’t be able to find it. I had to trust in the healing my relationships went through so I could open up about traumas and disappointments experienced in a real way. I know what has been worked through so I could write without deep fear of being disrespectful.
I ultimately wrote with freedom and love.
While writing, I gained clarity on why I made certain rules for myself, how, what and who I love, my capacity for forgiveness and the value of accountability. Writing “She Lives Here” has created space for me to be more of who I am—a Black woman who chooses to dream, live, and write with joy.
With joy, I would like to invite you to the virtual launch party of “She Lives Here” on Life in 10 Minutes’ Facebook page on March 19th at 5pm EST!
If you would like to pre-order before the official release on March 15th:
Last weekend, I made my way to Columbus, Ohio for The Summit of Greatness hosted by Lewis Howes. This was my third time in attendance (had to miss last year due to The Digital Storytelling Workshop at the University of Alabama Tuscaloosa).
And it was my best time.
Not because any of the other speakers weren’t impactful or powerful (they absolutely were) or that I didn’t make beautiful connections (without a doubt I did). It’s because I could truly enjoy the experience by myself. No one has ever held me back but I did hold myself back when I attended with others.
Even when I had a couple of pangs of loneliness, they quickly went away because I knew it would be just a matter of time before I would strike up a conversation with a stranger who would soon become a friend.
The Summit started with a welcome party at the Columbus Commons. I got to reunite with old friends and meet a few new ones. One of the more notable parts was a tent devoted to crafting instant poems based on the word of intention for the weekend.
Ready for Day 1!
A group of amazing drummers led by Elec Simon opened the conference. The energy was electric and instantly reminded me why I come here.
The first speaker was renowned singer Leann Rimes. Apparently, it was her first speaking engagement and her vulnerability was palpable. She spoke about the isolation of fame and her growth. She sang a beautiful song and led us all in a chant:
I am human.
I am holy.
Grace renews me.
It’s love that guides me.
The vibration and the spirit in the theater left many in tears including me.
The next speaker was Ed Mylett. His idea of hell: meeting the person you could have become at the end of your life. This concept is not a new one to me but his phrasing was exceptional. He called it “chasing his twin.” He was unapologetic about his faith but at the same time inclusive of everyone and exuded humility. He seemed to be the perfect person to seek advice from for my future students at the nonprofit I work for. I took a chance and sent him a message. I was right! He sent me a voice message with wonderful recommendations and I will be eternally grateful for the time he took to send it.
Kyle Cease was up next. He had a few messages that resonated with me but his emphasis of staying in the now was particularly impactful for me. Learning to embrace it is a non-negotiable for me as Hubby and I navigate life post health scares.
Jesse Itzler, former rapper, serial entrepreneur and endurance athlete delivered an impassioned speech urging us to inject more adventure into our lives. He compared life to a bus that never stops and does not go in reverse. At 51, he completely rejects the notion of being “too old” and is smart about the risks he takes.
Day 1 was great but I needed to take a minute to power down afterwards before heading to North Market for the Friday social. I loved on old friends I only get to see at Summit and was inspired by new ones. There was even a mural by Ruben Rojas painted representing our community.
Day 2 proved to be massively inspirational and incredibly fun! Marisa Peer’s message of “I am enough” and teaching us not to criticize ourselves was powerful. Our thoughts listen and execute the stories we tell about ourselves.
The R&B group Final Draft performed for us. They were amazing and had great command of the stage. Dr. Alaa Murabit was incredibly impressive. She is a UN Commissioner, a doctor changing the world with her peacekeeping efforts. She graduated high school at 15, medical school at 21 and is only 29!I loved how she stressed that we should listen to all leaders of all ages. Heed the wisdom of those that came before us. Figure out what went wrong before, what was missing and execute from there. She said that a leader is not someone with a lot of followers. It’s someone who creates other leaders.
Stephan speaks offered us sage advice about relationships. I agreed we should be telling each other what we want and need specifically and the power of a written letter. Also, we are not responsible for anyone else’s healing. It was wonderful to see Lewis honor his team, volunteers and highlight Pencils of Promise and the hundreds of schools built all over the world.
In-Q closed out the conference with his soul stirring poetry. There was also a special video from Sean Stephenson. He recently passed and his message to love our bodies, love ourselves was the perfect note to end on. The closing party was a blast and the return of DJ Irie did not disappoint. I danced until I ached. I wouldn’t have it any other way. After a couple of hours of sleep, I was at the airport, reeling from the weekend. On my layover in Philly, I ran into Elec Simon who was just as gracious and personable as he seemed on stage.
It’s all over until 2020.
So what now?
I found that when I was the most engaged, it was with people who travel, seek adventure, take action and are creative. In addition to hitting my fitness and writing/teaching goals, I want to create my own (mostly) solo adventures.
That part of myself has been slightly repressed over the years due to letting myself become distracted with work, relationships and a bit of good old-fashioned laziness. Realizing it was painful but it is a box I don’t have to stay in.
I can tell myself a new story.
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Special thanks to my friend, Gina Molinari for graciously hosting me at her home and surprising me with a stay in the hotel.
I charged up my old phone last night, an LG Razor Edge. It was the phone I used when Hubby and I were dating and when we were first married. I retrieved the text messages and looked at the photos. I still have the first text and photo we took together. Like many new couples, we often said we loved and missed each other. We were mushy and flirtatious.
When I first got engaged, a few women (married women) told me not to get married. They seemed sure I would be miserable and unfulfilled a few years later. It’s true–things did get harder. We have faced medical issues that have scared me and adjusting to living together, merging our lives and finances has not always been what I dreamed it would be.
But there are times when I look at him and know I couldn’t be anywhere else and there is really no grass that is greener.
What’s better is we still flirt, hold hands and say I love you. Six years of marriage and we look forward to seeing each other at the end of the day.
I have told some friends I (almost) wish more couples could go through trials where they fear they could lose the other person. Even for a moment. More people wouldn’t be so quick to throw it all away. Happy doesn’t always look and feel the way you think it will and no version of perfection actually exists.
I certainly don’t have all the answers to anyone’s relationship problems but I would ask anyone to not take the love they have at home for granted.
It may turn out to be the love you were supposed to fight for and the love you may never have again.
It’s our third day in Carlsbad, CA. A part of me would rather just sun myself at the pool or the beach but another part of me is glad to be sitting here writing. I know it’s because I am proving that no matter where I am, I am making posting here a priority. When you are on vacation, staring lazily at water and palm trees, the last thing you may feel like doing is whipping out a computer. But I know how committed I am to this process. I want to write through anything anywhere. I want to live up to my own expectations.
I am not sure if there is any other time in my life that I would have been able to truthfully write this but the time is now. Maybe this is what it is like to fall in love with what you’re pursuing. In my marriage, we would do anything to keep growing together. That’s part of the allure of travel. There’s a shared experience, a treasure of memory that no one can take from us.
With writing, there is a similarity. I am invested in my growth. I want to keep my schedule. Keep my word. I look forward to witnessing the fruits of my labor. There is a willingness to keep trying new things like adding Meatless Mondays or taking classes.
I don’t want to get out. I want to work through it all. Fail forward. Leave excuses behind.
So no matter how gracefully the fronds of the tree sway or the heat threatens to wilt my will to keep my commitment going this week. I won’t give in.
Kristina Hamlett writes to connect, heal, and be a force for change. 