“I ‘ve been waiting my whole life.” and “This the real you. “

Three listens of “II Hands II Heaven” on Cowboy Carter. I would have thought after “Riverdance” that I would have continued my thoughts about my own relationship but the relationship that kept coming up was the one I am having with myself. I understand Beyonce is very much singing gorgeously about her husband. But I keep getting the feeling, even as in love as I am, the one I have been waiting for is me.

Each step forward in my health, my writing, my willingness to speak up for myself unveils the woman I was meant to be.

The real me.

I found myself resonating with “ten thousand steps towards the time of your life” with every repeat of the song. Since I was 23, I have had the feeling I was meant for something greater. I remember sitting on the couch at my parents’ old home and telling my mother that. I didn’t think I was going to change the world but I knew my whole life wouldn’t be centered around a cubicle and I would need an outlet. And for years (especially when I would find myself in those environments) and denying how much I wanted to call myself a writer, I saw the people who enjoyed this work as zombies which is unfair. They were trying to make a living. Not unlike me. But some of them could barely part from their cubicle to eat when there was a lovely walking path outside and did not take their paltry fifteen minute breaks. I was devastated for them even though they were probably numb to it. I still don’t know what that “grand” thing is but I am willing to find out.

Like the song says “Only God knows why though.”

When I meet the most realized version of myself, I want to feel like I “partied in Venus and woke up in Mars.” What’s occuring to me right now as I am writing this, is since growth, as long as you seek it, is neverending, some moment of finality may never come but it won’t stop the undeniable bursts of joy and recognition along the way.

The mystery of this life and how we love ourselves and others can be written and sung about for milennia on end and we will always find new ways to treasure and immortalize it.

I am filled with gratitude and happily throw up two hands to heaven as I am privileged to read and hear so much of it.